I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
