I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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