I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
