theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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