At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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