Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
