We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
