she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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