I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
