apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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