So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
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