there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
