zippers are such a cool invention
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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