They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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