The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
