Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I think I am morally bankrupt
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize