Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
