i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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