I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
