your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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