I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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