Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
