I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
