I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
This is classic penis vs brain.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
