Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
