Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
