I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
The beer is more important than you right now.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
