Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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