This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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