Everything about him screamed your future.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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