she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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