I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
