I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
