No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
