I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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