i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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