I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
