Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize