Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
