you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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