I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
