Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
