i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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