Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
