its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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