god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Everything about him screamed your future.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
