i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
