Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
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