you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
