She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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