I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
