I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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