masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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