He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
