It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Two words: nipple clamps
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