so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
