i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
