OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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