I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I'm passing your future prison.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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