every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
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