he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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