tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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