Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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