I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
