sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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