How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
